The Thespian and her Demons

“If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love anyone else?”

Loving others is easy. I have so much love to give, and not enough people to give it to-that it’s began to it over flow onto inanimate objects. Which..kinda sounds a little sad being said out loud.. But I think the saddest part, is coming to the realization that-I’ve never been taught to love myself.

I’ve been taught to be afraid of people’s opinions of me and how to change things about
myself to make others feel more comfortable.

I don’t think my parents have EVER told I looked beautiful...or even pretty. Cute & nice sure. But beautiful? Never. Pretty? Maybe??But I honestly can’t recall any memories right now...

Growing up,I was always told something was wrong about myself.

- “If your teeth are yellow and crooked,no one will want to kiss you.”
- “your face would look cuter if you lost weight.” (All through middle school.)
- “you should change your hairstyle. It’s boring & it’s time for a change.” (Entire life. Recently got this told to me a couple months ago. :/ )
- “you would look better in color.” (On and off through out my teens until now.)
- “your dark eye circles look BAD. Let’s cover them.” (Sophomore year of highschool.)
- “you’re looking a little big. You need to go on a diet” (From ages 11-14)
- “why do you listen to music you can’t understand the words to? Its STUPID.” (12. After asking for help to download cds to my computer.)
- “you should learn to draw realism or super hero’s instead.” ( 12. After showing them my best work at the time.)
- “you’re growing devil horns.” (Dad poking fun at my birth defect at 10.)
- “why do you wear that? It looks r*tarded! (Peak emo phase and it was at wrist warmers I used for drawing. :/ )

This is just a few that come to mind. The “devil horns” still haunts me to this day-but I’ve began to use it as symbolism in my venting pieces...I really do feel like a deformed monster most days..I know I shouldn’t let my birth defect control or define me...but, sadly it’s a really big part of who I am & a part of my identity that I’ll never be able to change.

“You were born this way to be seen for a reason. Don’t hide or blend in. Show the world what you’re about.”

This quote stuck with me recently. It almost makes it seem like I have some sort of prophecy to fulfill?? My art perhaps?

ART

It’s always been a staple of my sanity. I find myself drawing more for myself recently...it’s all very dark imagery-darker than I think I’ve ever drawn in my teens..I’m not sure how comfortable I feel showing them to people..because they may seem cringey once these feelings I’m going through pass...

But fuck, this wave is strong...

I haven’t felt this much anxiety since high school bullying + the stress of having to take care of my younger siblings and the house when my mom was gone taking care of our dying grandpa. After that-it’s been pretty consistent. Some days they hate me and my existence is annoying (for some reason?) and others are just DANDY. Like wow, we’re all getting along and I enjoy sharing my opinion about things with everyone.  

It’s crazy. 

Ive done a lot of (over)thinking since this recent emotional relapse. I’m 27 years old and I’m still being bullied, only it’s not by 16-18 year old kids and the occasional stranger in public. 

It’s my grown ass parents. 

I used to be called and addressed as a pig, a fatass, lazyass, little shit-and now the popular “Butthole” on-what feels like a daily..When I’m just minding my business. Literally. I keep in my lane, do whats told and or asked of me and I work on my microscopic art business...or in their case “little clay crap.” 

My art is a joke. They’ve made it clear to me that it has no value. That this is just a little hobby and they keep bringing up how I should get a “real job” when all that’s going is making me fight back harder. I have a real job. This is a real job people are supporting and I have like 20 different duties within this job. 

Not good enough.

I don’t understand how working at Target is a real, respectable job VS what I do now? I mean, for fucks sake, I was literally applying to college for ART. Would whatever art job I got through school still not be considered a “real job”? Or is it the fact that they just DON’T like my work in general and therefore can’t support it? I hate it. I hate THIS. I hate that they also lie to everyone in our family about “how neat and interesting it is”  putting me in a vulnerable & pressured socializing position to talk about it, when I’ve been humiliated so many times, I don’t want to talk about what I do anymore...

I hope this part of me changes...because I put so much time and hard work into developing these skills and I’ve come so far! 

But

 I hate that it’s too hard for them to tell me I’m doing a good job. Maybe I’m wasting my time wishing and hoping they will...because after all, it’s not a “real job” and I suppose the rent and bill money they recieve from me every month isn’t “real money.”

When all is said and done, I’m sorry that in your eyes, youve created a stubborn,cold,heartless,lazy ass brat that thinks she can make a living “playing around with clay”

I won’t be sorry when you miss out on who I become...because when I leave, I’ll finally be able to grow into the person I’ve always wanted to be. 

And for the record, my little “clay crap” has made more people happy than I think you’ve ever made me feel about myself...

So thank you for that.